Acts Of Service
Are love languages a trap or a tool?
From a young age, my parents did their best to educate us about temperaments and love languages. That means we were exposed to a decent amount of social and emotional intelligence early in my family. Couple that with the kind of house we were raised in, there were always human beings coming and going. We had ample exposure to the diversity of human nature. Lots of people to apply what we learnt.
I remember filling out my year goal sheets at age 7/8, trying to discover these things about myself. My mother had us fill our resolution sheets together as a family, each person with a copy in their hands—social goals, spiritual goals, academic goals, etc. It was interesting, and it forced us into some level of self-awareness.
As an adult, I find myself trying to understand more and more why people act the way they do — and it has only a little to do with Tim Lahaye (no shades.)
I love how the temperaments, love languages, and other classifications have helped us define our personalities and those of our loved ones; however, I’m not particularly a fan of the rigidity they come with. As a storyteller, one thing I know about human nature is that it can be fluid. As a student of the science of the human body, I know that neuroplasticity is a divine engineering that allows us to rewire our behaviours, lifestyles, and even physical outcomes on our bodies. So permit me if I disagree that we have fixed personalities or permanently set love languages.
About two years ago, my dear friend and I got into a heated conversation about love languages. Now, I grew up on Gary Chapman and I can count how many books are not on my parents’ shelves. I have ingested so much and learnt a huge lump about love from him. So when my friend asked me what my love language was and I replied, “I don’t think I have one,” they didn’t like my response. My friend wanted one answer. Like, I should at least know which language I needed the most. At worst, it was expected that I list at least 3 and then say XYZ is my most dominant. But I didn’t. It got intense quickly because I felt like I was being forced to enter a mould. My friend thought I was being unnecessarily difficult. It was a brief, intense interaction that got painful at a point, but after a while, I was able to explain that though I believe in these psychological classifications, I did not agree with how they were being applied.
I believe that we have different languages for expressing and receiving love. I also think that they change in order of dominance from relationship to relationship, from phase to phase in our lives. So what the rigidity of those moulds does is that they don’t allow love to be fluid. Let me explain. If as a child, my most active languages were words of affirmation and physical touch, then as an adult, I evolved into a woman who loves to receive gifts and spend quality time. It’ll be pretty hard for those who loved me as a child to love me right as an adult because, for 15 years, those first two worked. And if they believe it is fixed, it’ll be hard to follow my evolution. I don’t know about men but as a woman, I know that every language is required with fluency at different stages of our lives.
One of my mother’s most obvious languages of love is Acts of Service. And I believe it is obvious because she does a lot of things. Dr. Mummy has her hands in a lot of pies, so help is truly appreciated. Especially from a woman who has great independence.
I used to wonder why my mother got so hurt when we didn’t offer her help on her own schedule or time. I say hurt because now that I know emotions better, I am able to label what she felt more accurately. I used to think it was anger, but I think it was hurt. Perhaps because I am increasingly aware of how my personality and hers intersect, I am coming into consciousness of it.
So when Mummy comes to my room and says, “Ballie, please, I need you to make this kunu.” And she goes off to work while I carry on with my schedule. If she should at any point in the day return, and that thing is not done, she’d feel it so deeply and react so viscerally. More often than not, proceeding to do it herself while lamenting that no one ever helps her. It used to bother me so much. Especially because, realistically, you need special grace to keep up with Mummy’s schedule. But ultimately, I didn’t get what the big deal was. I was still going to do it (on my timeline.) Nonetheless, I’m learning that perhaps for her, the urgency with which you treat her requests is a reflection of her value or how you prioritise her. It is like the saying, “The king’s matter requires haste.” So if you truly love the person, you’ll do what they want, when they want it. And the question I ask is, why? Why didn’t I ever see it?
Now that I know how alike we are, I see in myself how whenever I do not get that kind of prioritisation, I begin to feel like I don’t matter. Let me explain. To my brain, love is perpetual consideration. Consideration that is solidified by knowledge of who I am. And if you consider me in all you do, you’ll know that I don’t say things unless I truly need support. And when I vulnerably come to you for assistance and you treat it with laxity, my brain tells me,
- They may love you, but you’re not their utmost priority. And this hurts and cuts deeply. It is also rarely true.
- It’s like shooting a wounded soldier because it’s already costing me a lot of emotional currency and pride to be dependent, and then I am left hanging high and dry. Not to mention that I love my schedules and I truly, really have a valid reason for asking for help at a specific time.
- Don’t they know that I hate to need people and asking is a vulnerability? Why would they dash it like that? Perhaps they don’t know me then? Then this quote by Tim Keller which sums up one of my greatest fears in life will come up.
To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. — Tim Keller
Ultimately, what I am trying to say is that the language of love is more nuanced than books and blogs can tell you. No, I am not saying you should not read. I recommend it. In fact, I’ll add a reading list to this post that I think everyone should have at a basic level for emotional and social intelligence because what is happening on the road is a clear sign that these are lacking. What I am saying is that Gary Chapman has given us some chunks/blocks in which love exists. It’s up to us and our intimacy to learn the nuances and crevices of our loved ones. The books point you in a direction but you must be curious and humble to learn.
You cannot say, “Ah, her love language is acts of service, and I have washed her car and cooked rice for her; she must be happy with me or she’s ungrateful” when she’s been asking you to take out the trash for three days and you’ve done nothing about that. You’re speaking the language, but you’re having the wrong conversation. Or “She loves gifts, so I bought my mom a new car and made dresses for her” even though she’s been mentioning her phone is falling apart and you’ve not done anything about it. For those blessed with Acts of Service as one of their languages, I’m learning that when you offer help is as important as the help being offered.
The science student in me knows all about the dichotomy between theory and practice. The PE teacher in me was trained on this principle. I had to learn the history of basketball closely, study the moves, and learn how to describe the execution of each skill in detail. But my body also had to learn to move the way my brain had come to understand it. The doing is not as easy as the learning for some; in other cases, it is vice versa. Nonetheless, you’re at a greater advantage if you understand the science and principles of biomechanics, in addition to the rudimental training that shapes your body to do what it does.
I hope I have not confused you. In simple terms, learn all you can about these things in resources, books, podcasts, and courses. Learn from verifiable sources and be curious in your learning. However, remember that life is fluid, and so is love. Humility is key in translating knowledge into action. Don’t be so averse to change. I hope you learn to love well.
Love, Ballie 💖
Do you believe in love languages? If yes, have they helped your relationships? If not, I’d love to know why. Also, when did you first discover them? Looking forward to your responses in the comment section!
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Books
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
