Feels

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

Most times, I don’t know if it is sadness or disappointment I feel.

One minute I think I’m doing really great, the next, I feel like a total failure. I go from feeling ‘I've got this’ to ‘what were you thinking!?’ in a couple of seconds because I wasn’t assertive in making one decision.

To be honest, I didn’t sign up for this life of extreme emotions. I want to breathe with abandon. Not worried about tomorrow or what it brings. Funny how that is exactly what Jesus instructed, but I cannot seem to do it though. I have tried. But I suck at letting go.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Let me tell you something. I’m so bad at letting that my computer has gone out because of that. I mean, this week, the overload of files put my PC at risk and my entire work on hold for three days. All because I won’t let go of a couple of files. In hindsight, all those cherished files seem so dispensable now. The first thing I did when I got past the blue screen, was to go on a deleting spree.

Memories. That’s how I used to see them. Every blurry picture, every poorly lit video, wrapped in a thick blanket of nostalgia. I’d hoard all those ones normal people delete. I don’t think it ought to be so.

I have been learning to let go. It is particularly difficult for me because I obsessively want to fix things. I have assigned myself the divine task of mending everything, reviving everyone, and healing everything I see. That’s not just unhealthy, it’s unspiritual. It means I have placed myself, and not God, as the mender and healer of people.
Surely I have been called to mend broken hearts and relationships. But I am quick to forget that it’s not a thing I developed through my wit or sensibility. The call was a gift God bestowed on me. And whether I like it or not, I cannot save everything. My mental and emotional hard drive will crash.

Today, I have less than half the files I did six days ago, my computer is still on its way to recovery and I am here. Thinking about certain relationships I have held on to — those ones that no longer serve a healthy purpose other than familiarity and see-finish. I have decided that I’ll delete them. Not because I do not like them or I hate them, but because they are no longer a priority and will only take up valuable space for other relationships to bloom. And when the chips are down, there are only a handful of files (relationships) I really cannot afford to lose.

Dear reader, take from this whatever you may. You know what you need more than I do. Thank you for reading. I do get emotional and mental blue screens frequently. Please I’d love you to share hacks that have helped you let go of things in the past.

Love, Ballie💖

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