Here
How I have been hanging on since Saturday the 20th.
It felt like my heart was tearing apart
Like the organ decided that the left and right atria should go in their respective directions while the ventricles do a shrinking miracle and become atrophied. Obviously my heart muscles forgot how to work and their cells were eating themselves. Some reverse Phagocytosis was at play, but there was nothing harmful or foreign in my system. Just something missing.
Then I felt God's hand reach into this place of blood and flesh, this corner of pain that was radiating through my entire being. I felt his fingers close over the scattered portions and his power sat there. His tender words, like golden tendrils pulling these fragments back together. His embrace, like an analgesic - soothing, cooing and reassuring me of his promises.
He is the bridge mending me
Broken, undone, but held and sustained by his life force. I am beyond words in shock and devastation.
But fully aware and assured of her rest and perfection. Certain God is visiting us all with this comfort of his. He's not cruel, He's not mean. He is Good and everything he does is Perfect. It is a difficult truth to know. Even more difficult to live in. But it is a blessed assurance that Jesus is ours and Naydo in her saviour is happy and blessed.
I stopped asking to understand everything a while ago. It’s futile to imagine that my finite mind can ever grasp anything God does in His divinity except if he compresses it in a format my brain can take without melting. Now I just ask to know my posture and position. I don’t understand. But I also ask ‘what do I do?’ I also ask, ‘what didn’t I do?’ I ask the commander to help me to obey and to make his instruction clear because pain and grief are clouding my judgement. I sing UpperRoom by Hillsong on repeat with He’s Enough by Kaestrings on a loop. To remind me.
Oscillating between deep sorrow over this loss and the overwhelming awareness of God’s comfort.
Jesus keep me.
I want to rest in your comfort forever.
Surely, Pwa-Nedo. Allah na nan. There’s a God and He is here with us.
My baby. I never thought I’d used this precious gift of writing we share to speak of your departure. There are no words to describe how we feel. I am so glad I got to be your friend and confidant for a decade +. September always comes with blessings and in 2010, you walked into my life. My delight is that your love for Jesus was on the increase Naydo. Through these years, I’ve watched it grow from an ember to a roaring wildfire. A tornado truly.
I still judge God faithful and Good. It is like you told me, His comfort is present even in the pain. I wish I could call you. I wish you could tell Peace it’s gonna be okay. I wish a lot of things but my God, you’re soaring with the heavenly hosts and I cannot help but be glad on your behalf. You have run your race and until we come, we will all miss you dearly. Thank you for your gentle and kind spirit, your soft voice and radiant light. Thank you for loving us the way you did. For the warm hugs and all the prayers. I’ll keep my promise to you. I won’t be afraid. I’ll ensure that I die empty and that all of God’s will is done in and through me.
There’s such a void but God is holding us in his hands.
See you soon my baby.
Love, Ballie💖
Dear reader,
I’ve had a difficult week. A lot has happened since the afternoon I heard this news. I have wrestled with nursing my pain in silence as usual or bringing it all out. I am stuck in between. I told God I’ll share everything I have permission to. I also promised Naydo I won’t hide again. I know how resources like C.S Lewis’ A Grief Observed have helped me so here’s some part of my journey. I want the whole world to know what a treasure Pwanedo Alson is and if you are here, please read her blog. She left 60 seconds of goodness quite often. I’m especially grateful for all the people who have been praying for me. I have been strengthened and held up by your prayers. Thank you ✨ Please pray for her family and her fiancé. May God continue to keep us.
