I Believe in You

The threat and the love letter — motivation can be demoralising.

Balpolam Idi
4 min readNov 13, 2023

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Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

I know it’s absurd, but when people tell me they believe in me, I feel threatened first, before I feel tingly happy. Yeah, Unbelievable. I know. But please walk with me here.

Living this life, trying to uncover and discover new things, solve problems and brave Uncharted Territories while smiling and remaining adventurous in experiments is scary. I know that “I believe in you” is motivation, but it makes my heart skip. I understand that it’s rare and a much-needed affirmation to succeed in life. I do. I also appreciate its abundance in my life and do not take it for granted. I recognise that many people do not have the luxury of hearing it even once and I’m blessed to be assaulted with it at every turn. Yet, I struggle.

I won’t lie. More often than not, the sound of this sentence is the bath of cold water on my face, startling me back to consciousness whenever I start going under. But for a millisecond after hearing those words, I think of the 7000 ways I can fall your hand and waste this ‘belief’ you have in me. Not because the love and support given are not enough to hold me up on difficult days, but because I concluded about nine years ago.

“Even if the whole world believes in you, it is a waste of everyone’s belief if you do not believe in you.”

I was rereading Ted Dekker’s The Rise of The Mystics over the past week. (If you didn’t know, I am a Dekker fan girl through and through. I’m probably saving the last two unread books until I hear he’s releasing another. hehehe) While reading for the third time, I was confronted by Rachelle’s journey. Perhaps because I have been feeling so lost and found these past few years, I felt her struggle more intensely, more personally. But something stood out for me in her wrestle — she had to learn to see herself the way Elyon saw her ( as a daughter, as his beloved). The way everyone who mattered saw her (the 49th, a mystic).

But beyond that, she had to learn to accept herself without the labels and title tags. The fourth seal gave her that (I’m sorry for the spoilers.) This is the journey I’ve been on. First to accept who I am and what I am capable of, then to surrender it all when I begin to root my identity in them. Exploring and discovering myself beyond the titles of writer, teacher, creative, Nigerian, woman, sister, friend, or daughter. I learned that when all these masks and identities fall, I am someone at my core and that person is the only one who truly matters. You are so much more than the titles you bear — mom, dad, husband, wife, engineer, tech-bro, entrepreneur, employee, migrant, hustler, rapper, dancer, artist. Of course, we cannot ignore how titles and tags are essential for us to function in this world. I mean everyone needs their bio to be clear, succinct and a bit mysterious. It is key for a good brand or visible profile online. And yet, still upon still, even though. We must learn the art of dissociating.

Now when people say I believe in you and panic is set in my heart, I teach my heart to remember that they do not believe in my competence and capabilities, but in my God-given potential. And how foolish would I be not to believe in whom God believes in? So though I may panic, I practise metanoia — the change/renewing of perception. I need the reminder because my frail mind easily forgets who I am.

If you are like me and you have a hard time breathing when people tell you they believe in you, I’ve got good news for you. You’re not crazy and you’re not alone. You’re conscious of your imperfections and that’s okay. As long as you renew your mind and tell yourself that those imperfections can be overcome and will not be your limitations but building blocks. I received something I didn’t even know I was looking for this past week. A wake-up call to permit myself to participate with the Divine in whatever I do in my life.

Hey, I don’t know who needed this because I was really planning to release another chaotic fictional story this week. I hope it offers light, I hope you feel seen. You know that I’ll be waiting for your response. How did it make you feel? Have you ever felt threatened by someone’s declaration of love or hope? Please tell me about it. I do hope that you go about threatening people though, I think everyone deserves to hear those four words. Please don’t forget to clap x50, comment and share if you enjoyed it.

Love, Ballie💖

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Balpolam Idi

Live, Love, Give. But most importantly, Dream. Learner. Teacher. Wanderer.