I can’t do this

When you are at your end and don’t know if you can keep breathing…

I wrote a lot of 'I can't do this' last year

For starters, “I can’t do this” is different from “I haven’t done this.” When life throws a curve ball, our tendency is to use our past performance and threshold points to choose what we think we can or cannot endure or overcome. It’s natural. It’s the sane thing to do. But when has perpetual sanity served humanity? Some of the most audacious Inventions and incredible things we celebrate happened because people put sanity on hold and pressed into impossibilities. Fortune they say, favours the brave. Life, is lived by those ‘foolish’ enough not to give up. That’s what I say.

If you’ve ever lost a loved one, one of the many words that may have poured out of your mouth in anguish might have been “I can’t do this”, “I can’t go on living. Not without this person.” Well, you’re here reading this. Even though a part of you was buried with your beloved that day, somehow, the miracle of life pushed you morning after morning. Especially on days you didn’t want to wake up.

I truly believe that forgetfulness, as humans experience it, is as frightening as it is miraculous.

I find it a mercy.

I started writing this the week of Naydo’s birthday but I could never bring myself to complete it. However, for you who might be starting over again. In life, love or even hope, I promise you that you can and you will, with God on your side.

Don’t look too far into the future and baulk at the sheer madness and uncertainty. Do it a day at a time.

You might be pivoting to a whole new career, moving from one side of the world to another, mourning a precious one, discovering that all you thought you knew was a lie. Honestly, life is happening to everyone and fast.

I don’t have much to say but take it from a fellow soul who has wrestled with despair and pain. ‘I haven’t done this before’ and ‘I don’t think I can do this’ are usually what we mean. Because we never know what we’re capable of until life demands it of us.

As your new year progresses, I hope you discover wonders and strength in you, not out of pain or misery, but out of love and curiousity too. I pray you scratch deeper than the surface and encounter startling mysteries and miracles. I pray you find you as God intended.

Love, Ballie 💖