Indiscipline can kill you
On trying to find my mojo.
I will forever be thankful for Physical Education because it helped me structure my life. I had quite a routine-based life thanks to boarding school but I enjoyed it even more as a teenager and young adult. That rudimentary life guided me and in some ways, you could say that my boring, predictable routine grounded me.
I want to be the mysterious, artistic, impulsive person who makes every story fun. I want it so badly because it adds to my artistic appeal and some mystical vibe to the work I do. But alas, I have made peace with my role as the one who has to schedule lunchtime and sleep time to function properly. I am ‘boring’ and too much spontaneity gives me anxiety, okay? No, I’m not yet 30.
Two years ago when depression kicked in, one of the first things it took was my discipline and ability to plan and stick with it. I lost that tension that comes from not doing things at the right time and in the right way. Yep. True and hard confessions. I was the guy who woke up by 4:00 am because I needed to exercise and have my time with Jesus before 5:30, so I could prepare breakfast and eat before 6:45 am, then head to my 8:00 am lecture even though it’s just 7:05 am and I must be at least 30 minutes early for every meeting. My brain and I work in an incredible way. Why???? You might want to ask. Can’t you just do all these in an hour? — like a normal person? First of all, no one said I was normal, 2. I don’t do well when I am rushed. I make a lot of mistakes when I’m in a hurry and given that I still do not like being confronted by the frailty of my mortality every time I make a mistake, I’d rather not. How did we get here? Yes, Planning.
I lost the fear of consequences. alongside my disciple and militant attention to schedules and details. Guys, I go to places late now. Yes, I know. It is embarrassing and unbelievable. This even affected my writing ritual as I had been enjoying some semblance of rhythm writing and publishing on Thursdays, doing the 500 words per day challenge occasionally. Welp. Here we are.
One of the things indiscipline has helped me do is almost starve myself to death. Mhmmmm. For all of you who have used every physical meeting chance to gasp and say ‘oh no you’ve lost weight’ with absolute horror and pity on your face, I’ve shortened the journey for you. I’m talking about it now. One of the reasons I really love the hobbits in Tolkien’s book is because of their eating habits. Four years ago, I could never fathom what ‘ I forgot to eat’ meant. I used to judge my sister and look at her life in utter confusion because what do you mean you forgot to eat boss? I didn’t eat only because I felt hungry, I ate because it was time to eat. In a way, perhaps boarding school and living alone helped me wield the power over meal times and it helped me greatly. Coupled with constant physical activities that led to enormous energy consumption and an enviable metabolic rate, I was always always ready to eat. Like always. How did I go from point A to Z? I didn’t even know I had discipline around eating until I lost it.
When I say indiscipline can cost you your life, I’m not trying to be dramatic. I can rattle off a list from loss of fitness to living underweight, an inability to keep to work schedule and if you WFH like I do most times, that’s like giving Superman kryptonite juice every morning. Even now, I try to grasp the elusive heels of my former lifestyle. I say former because the Balpolam that would wake up while it was still dark and chilly to run is not here again. This one has anxiety from early mornings outside because of the rape stories and robbery horrors of Ring Road. She’s been bound by a life indoors for some time. I digress.
One of the first and most painful steps to healing is to identify what the problem is and call it by its name. I have not been able to do as much as I planned because I’ve been an undisciplined person moving on vibes and glorious streaks of insha’Allah. The question I keep asking myself is Ɓallie, is this what you want to be for life? Why then do you tolerate it for a day longer? It’s very arrogant of you to imagine you have many more years to correct this. I haven’t found the answer but I can say that the restlessness I have with tardiness is coming back and that is always a good sign for someone like me.
My dear reader, I don’t have any hacks to give you. Discipline is the lifeblood of anyone who does anything worthwhile. You cannot be ‘infected’ with it. You cannot manifest it into your life or wish it into existence. It must be a deliberate choice to change the course of your life. And it always comes at a price. It will cost you. Please don’t let the lack of it kill you. It could be in the form of an eating habit, a spending habit, a lifestyle choice, time usage and entertainment, it could be in practising delayed gratification or even the discipline of learning to be thankful. My invitation is for you to reflect. It’s been about 334 days in 2024. That’s so many hours combined. If you can’t imagine doing something perpetually for say 50 days at a stretch in a year (e.g sleeping) then maybe you can regulate it. On the flip side, you might want to do something perpetually e.g reading, then you must cultivate it.
Some tools that have helped me which I shamelessly share with the guys on Where Gifts Grow: Digital Wellbeing functions on mobile phones, Focus Mode and Reminders. You might want to give them a try. Until then,
I pray you find footing and remember that discipline is not something you wake up with. You show up as consistently as possible until it almost becomes second nature. I pray you stop wallowing in guilt or self-pity. I pray you accept what is, so you can build the life to come.
Love, Ballie💖
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