May I confess?
Before you left me, I had already painted a vivid picture of our future together. Our progression from the firm and round breasts to flat and saggy sacks.
Our supple and popping skins yield to the withering of wrinkles and old age.
I envisioned how your afro will look, all grey and silvery, in contrast to my dreadlocks strands. Both rebellious in their own way, yet so different.
I imagined that you'll still smell like Joy. Your unique body smell that speaks of safety and love and of course, your stupidity. Your sweaty body, still carrying your lavender and pine scent. I imagined there'll be a new layer of old lady spice to it too, because we established that all old people smell, well, old. I imagined that maybe you'll take on the smell of coffee too. Oh, I definitely believed your sweat will smell like last-night's coffee, because of how much you took daily.
I figured that if our teeth will fall off, mine will go first since they were the weakest, to begin with. I will use dentures before you, and then start making fun of you when your time comes.
I didn't want to picture adult diapers and being fed. I didn't want to think of cancers or spouses dying, children running into problems or being heartbroken. I never imagined miscarriages or infant deaths. There was no grieving in my dreaming.
Fantasies should be fantastic, not tragic.
May I confess that I have never had such dreams and fantasies about any man? Not even my husband. Just you, my best friend. No one else. Not even my baby sister.
May I Confess?
May I confess that I lost the ability to dream when you walked out of my life? They say spirits hear us. I would like to confess that I love you and I am so sorry. I will forever rue the day I let you storm out of my house. I had no clue that would be the last time I will see your small feet scurry.
May I confess that if I had known you would go without me, I would have come along? I am mad at you. For skydiving without me. Even though the circumstances were different. You promised we'd always do it together. So why did you fall out of a plane without me? Why did you die?
I know, another sad story? Why not! Please let me know how it made you feel. Have you ever had fantasies of the future with your loved ones? Are they colourful or just meh?
Love, Ballie 💖