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I sure live a very unplanned life for someone who loves to plan and prepare. To be honest, I stopped wanting things a while ago. I told myself that it was because I was surrendering to God’s perfect will but deep reflections have illuminated my true motive — Self-preservation.
You might wonder how not wanting things translates into self-preservation. It’s quite simple actually. When you are not wholly invested in wanting things to go a certain way, you’re less likely to be hurt/disappointed when they don’t. Yep! Just live close to the surface, don’t dive too deep and you won’t be at risk of losing air.
I wasn’t always like this. I am a very emotional person, and if there’s anything I have learnt from being this way, it’s that I feel everything in every way and everywhere. I am hypersensitive and somehow, these emotions easily overwhelm me and leave me without control. I hate not having control. I hate feeling helpless. These brutal truths are mine to own. In order to avoid the inevitable feeling of helplessness that comes with being human and Nigerian, I just don’t obsess and take things the way they come. Not bad for a life hack yeah?
Well, I have noticed that my joy and passion for life have been dwindling over the years. It took me almost a year to trace the root cause but omo there’s no question about it. I am not as excited about life as I was five years ago. It could be because of the horrendous things that have happened in the past few years, but I also think that living life with just one toe dipped into the pool is a big contributor.
I am unsubscribing from this life of feeling things halfway. If you hurt me, just know that I will feel it very deeply. Be careful with my heart biko, I have a lot of Band-Aids around it. Life, Nigeria, humans of the world, I am no longer going to live safe , please be gentle with me — no rough me abeg. I will have unwarranted outbursts and spasms of fear, I might be gripped by inexplicable anxiety, but please, be patient with me. I am tired of not feeling all I was made to feel, being who i was made to be. It has led me into dark places. No more.
Not so long ago, someone I trusted hurt me really badly. I was devastated. But more than the hurt was the refusal to acknowledge my pain or their role in it. I blamed myself for never showing extreme emotions in the past, maybe that’s why I was taken for granted. But it was not my fault.
People will act, and we’ll have no control over their actions. They might burn us, hurt us and even scar us. But we know that life is only worth living when it is lived to the fullest — feelings, fears, hopes, despair and everything in between.
Perhaps you have been on Life’s Premium Plan of Emotional Salad with a dash of Breakfast, please show me the ropes. I’m a newbie who has just unsubscribed from the Basic Plan. I will definitely not recommend —⭐ One star only. Plays Give Me by Kirk Franklin & Mali Music
